Bloggy visitors: this is a blog of my true-colors; these words will not be sugar-coated. This is raw and pure and who I am and what I'
ve experienced.
Growth Spurt
Every child goes through growth spurts. From baby to teenagers they show signs of their spurts; growing pains, hunger, and extra sleep. I know that I’m way above the teen years, but I too have been experiencing a growth spurt. It took 21 days, believe me I counted. After going through the growth episode, one is a changed individual. Some children are taller, wider, getting new teeth. I too changed and am working on change every day.
Growing Pains
C-man as a toddler, would every so often cry out at night because his feet hurt, we knew he was growing despite the pain. The recent 21 days, I have experienced growing pains quite different as a developing child. My pain consisted of despair, head-aches, hot, burning tears flowing from my eyes, a dark cloud hovering over my every step. The pain was unbearable. I had pain of guilt bubbling inside of me. Frustration was over-whelming me. I was totally paralyzed from these growing pains. Worst of all I was marinating myself in negative thinking and totally distorting my thoughts and being my own worst enemy. Don’t ask me why, but I’ve been hard on myself ever since I can remember. There are no pointing fingers at anyone. I came from an intact family, supportive and loving. I’m just the product of the genetic pool. I usually have strong coping skills and stress-relief strategies to deal with this. At times when there is wear and tear, my rubber-band of skills stretch and break and I’m vulnerable to toxic thinking. These growing pains are something I don’t wish upon anyone. But if there is anyone out there who can relate, we are not alone.
Hunger
A teen-age boy can eat their parents out of their cupboards. A growing boy is in constant hunger and in need of food. I’ve been in constant hunger and it hasn’t been for food. I’ve been hungry for God. I’ve been praying and reading, going to church trying to get my fill of God. I know he will never completely satisfy my needs, but he sure has been talking back to me. I’ve been hungry for help, hope, and self-worth. This hunger has been growling in the pit of my stomach. There is one man who I can pour my faith into so that I’m satisfied, God is my answer. So I keep on looking for and digesting my daily bread. Whether it’s a morsel or a meal, I am feeding my soul.
Excess Sleep (restoration)
Whenever the kids would take a longer than usual nap, I would make the comment, “must be growing.” I was sleeping in excess during my growth spurt too. Sleep is restoration. Not only was I sleeping excessively, but I was resting in different ways as well. I’ve been on leave from work and I stopped all stimuli from the outside world. I needed to do this in order to heal from the inside out, like sleep does to the human being. My infrastructure was crumbled and I needed to build a whole new foundation and work upon it. I’m restoring, slowly but surely. I’ve been getting help, Gold is instilling hope, and I’m building self-worth. My negative thinking is diminishing and I’m beginning to modify my distorted thoughts. Rationale and realistic thoughts are taking their place. I’m hoping to exterminate guilt and lessen frustration. I’m building coping techniques and working on stress relief strategies. I’m reaching out to the outside world. Basically, I’ve been resting but also going through mental /emotional boot camp.
In recent days, that dark cloud is not hanging over my head as much. I see a break-through of light, hope, and I know God is on my side. Better yet, I’m convinced that I need to be on my side as well. I just saw a quote that says, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
So there it is family, friends, bloggy world; my bare bones exposed, not for sympathy but for support. Not to find a cause/effect relationship of my growth spurt (depression/anxiety) but to embrace it. Not to create a wall of stigma but to break it down. Not to treat me any differently but to be proud of my change.
I leave you with two prayers that talk to my heart dearly,
St. Francis
de Sales…..
Do Not Fear
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father Who cares for you today, will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.
Serenity Prayer (suggested by my Dad today in an e-mail, inspired by my oldest brother)
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
California Roll
Tempura style!
