Stuck, in more ways than one

This post is to help me sort my thoughts and I invite you to read and give me your perspective or a different, objective view on it.

I am stuck.
I am physically stuck: yes, my bleeping back is on the fritz again and causing me much pain, spasms, and occasionally, I'm literally stuck in a bent over position and can't straighten up. Because of being stuck and in pain, I am unable to do all that I want to do: work, do daily activities around the house, play with the kids, exercise, etc. I think you get the idea. AND then if I am stuck too long and feel bad too long, I dip into a low mood and then I get stuck that way too. It can be a vicious cycle.

I called into work and told them I won't be able to work. Not something that I'm proud of: Nursing is a physically taxing job, especially at the bedside. I love, love, love the patients. I love to take care of people, talk with them and really learn about other people's stories. I love using my brain and critically think about their ailments; problem solve and do or suggest things to make people better. However, I have to use my brawn as well as my brains at work, and well my brawn is dysfunctional (to say the least!). Stooping, reaching, bending, squatting, walking, standing, standing, standing, walking, wiping, cleaning, turning, lifting, tugging, pulling, supporting, holding, sitting for two seconds and then repeat until the end of the shift, where I sit, sit, sit & document and then BAM! Stuck!

Unfortunately, I can't put my body through that for the next two days, not when I'm feeling like this. And then the ugly thoughts come...I can't work, I call off, dear God I'm going to lose my job! Ya, that's how I think (Catastrophize!) If I call off work, I lose my reliability and respect from my co-workers! Will I really? They know how painful it's been for me, I've been in tears when my back spasms and takes me to the floor. Probably not, but that's how I think about this situation.
Then it snowballs, I lose my job, we lose an income, we lose an income, we can't do things that we enjoy, see how I can get low and stuck!

Thank God for my voice of reason: my husband, Paul. He tells me the logic, the facts, and then it's better.

But then I'm stuck because our house gets to looking bad, I can't do housework, can't play with the kids, can't exercise. . . see how this can affect the psyche? But then I need to remind myself that our house is not filthy, or too cluttered, Paul does a great job of doing housework, and the kids are adaptable and we do different types of things together instead of the physical things. . .oh, how easy I can fall into the negative rut!

So stuck! and yet to help myself from this sticky situation is that I need to care for myself. That is a hard thing to do for a nurse! We care for others, not ourselves! (Hence, the vicious cycle!). So, I guess I need to carefully put my foot down and make some time for myself, because I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to care for my back and health, I deserve to take time to rehab my back so I can do the things I enjoy! and I guess my family deserves a healthy wife/mom and my coworkers deserve a healthy cohort.

Wow! I didn't expect to come up with this thinking, but how easy it is to solve just writing and getting some perspective. Knowing I have a support system that may or may not read this is motivating, as well. Meanwhile, I will attempt to stay out of the negative rut and count my blessings!

MRI on Friday, going to see it there's more deterioration in the discs.
Epidural shot scheduled for next week. I'm not keen on the fact that it's been only 8 months since the last shot, but I guess it's better than surgery which is last resort.

Here's to embracing the crosses that I bear, it could be worse right?