Please note that I am not an expert in parenting by any means and even though I took Family Relationships, Child Development, Maternal and Infant Health, and Pediatric Nursing classes in college it still does not give me enough credit to be acknowledged as an expert. Some folks think they are experts in the field of parenting, which makes me giggle, because at one time I thought there was a right and wrong way of doing it. [Back in the day of idealism: when I didn't have children just theories and ideals]. What I've found out is that we are all expert parents of our OWN children. What may work for one child may not at all work for another. We [parents] live and breathe with our children daily, we know their temperaments, dispositions, strengths, and weaknesses; so we get to have the say in their up-bringing.
So above is my disclaimer as I ponder and make observations on my own parenting. The outcome of this post is for enlightenment, encouragement, and support; not to inflict my ideas or ideals upon anyone. {just in case you were thinking that (because I'm overly conscientious and think about those things)}.
Independence vs. Dependence
A coworker at work was talking about how her daughter's roommate decided to wash the dishes; she loaded up the dishwasher and then added dish soap {the wrong kind of dish soap} and as a result, the appliance became a foamy mess!
Then came the discussion of how our kids should know how to do basic living stuff like that before entering college. We talked of how some parents coddle too much and obstruct the child's learning vs. some parents depend on the children to do too much house work in the home. So what is the happy medium?
I've found that this issue has come up over and over again with the kids getting older.
Independence: what I want my children to ultimately achieve prior to leaving the nest. Dependence: what I want my children to feel emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. throughout their lives. Because a sense of dependence is a sense of love, is it not?
I expect my children to be grateful, respectful, and good people. I frown down upon entitlement, spoiling, and giving the kids all that they ever wanted and more. I believe that my kids should hear the word "no" and handle it gracefully. I want my kids to make mistakes so they learn--even if it's the hard way. Do I hear my kids say thank you without cues? (not always) Do I witness my kids sharing and respecting others? (most of the time) Are they good people? (I think so) Have I entitled, spoiled, and indulged on my kids? (probably in one shape or form) Do my kids hear more yes's than no's? (it's a toss-up on what issue it is) Have the kids made mistakes? (yes) Have I? (yes) Do I think I have it all together? (never)
So, I have devised a new system that incorporates age-appropriate chores for the kids. I decided that they are old enough to contribute to living in our home. This epiphany came to me when I've been busting my butt doing all the cleaning around here and picking up toys and then turning around to pick up toys again! Not only will they be helping our household, they will be learning responsibility and how to do that "living" stuff.
I already had a marble system going for good behaviors and helping around the house:
"Thanks for praying out loud tonight, give yourself a marble!"
"You opened a door for a stranger without me telling you to, marble!"
"Thanks for playing so nice together and not fighting, marble!"
Once their jars are full, they get to either have an experience or a toy that they earned!
Olivia was truly excited about the modified chore system, about the pretty Popsicle sticks and marbles part. There may be some excitement for helping out as well. Connor gave the eye roll reaction. Yep! Indeed this chore system needs to be implemented before his attitude is a huge issue!
Dishes:
a: set the table or b: help with dishes. They take turns picking a stick and doing the chore. Then they receive a marble.
Cleaning:
a: toilet, b: mirrors, c: dusting, d: swiffer floors. They pick two of them and get two marbles for each job.
Bedroom:
a. put away clothes in drawers (please make sure the drawer shuts and no clothes are sticking out), b: make bed, c: pick up toys. One marble for these activities. Do they happen daily? Not the clothes or beds, so it's a work in progress.
Wild Card:
a. outside work, b. any job that I need help with and the marbles are negotiable.
Again, once their jars are filled they get to have an experience or a toy (negotiable and realistic).
I'm hoping the kids will learn responsibility, see what it's like to be a team player, learn life skills, and essentially become independent.
Now here's the other issue:
Hanging on vs. Letting go
We all have experienced this since day one:
Do I hang onto the baby while he/she is crying or do I let them cry it out by themselves? Do I hang on and rock the baby or let them self-soothe? Do I hang onto the bottle or let them experience a sippy? Do I make sure I catch him or let him fall so he doesn't do it again? Do I carry her up the stairs or let her crawl up them even if it takes longer time and there's a risk of falling? Do I walk him into Kindergarten or drop him off at the sidewalk? Do I put a lid on her milk or risk it spilling at dinner? Do I walk them to school or let them walk by themselves?
Many questions I have and seems as the kids get older, the more complicated and frequent the questions get:
Do I give him a brief summary about the birds and the bees or do I give explicit detail?
I'm not sure where I am on this issue (hanging on vs. letting go, NOT the birds and the bees!); it depends on love, trust, and faith. It also depends on the child's personality and sometimes it just depends on my mood but I usually go with my gut instinct and then modify as needed.
Hanging on vs. letting go is a reflection of independence vs. dependence?? Or are they entirely two different things?
Letting go sounds like it's the most difficult part of parenthood, but we all reap the rewards in the end.
Parenting is a lot like a maze, finding our way while bumping into some walls and dead ends. As long as we dust ourselves off, turn around and keep at it we'll be successful.
So, what's your take on independence vs. dependence issue? What are your views or questions you've been having on hanging on vs. letting go? I truly appreciate your perspective . . .
can you tell that this has been hanging on in my head; hence, the lengthy post!
